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Trapped

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My job is looking for a job.

I hate Mondays because I can't find permanent work.

So on Mondays I go to work looking for work.

And by the end of it, after reading and applying to places that wont even look at my resume (their words, not mine) ... I sit back and realize how inadequate I am.

I've had to actually cut down on job searching. I use to do it daily. Now I do it three days a week. The hurt, rejection, and general feelings of failure got to be too much. It was getting to the point where I was literally praying for death every day. At least I only think about it 3 days a week now. It's been a long struggle and I don't know how much more my heart and head can take.

Stupid employment agencies wont even help me! Have I heard a peep from them? NO. They're reply: "when something comes up, we'll let you know!" In other words my lack of experience and skills is unneeded.

Hello brick wall I have hit... next time maybe I'll hit it hard enough that my existence will shatter.

And before anyone replies to this with a list of improvements to make or things I'm doing wrong...

Please don't bother. Please. Please. It's the LAST thing I need to hear right now. I already know what an inadequate failure I am. Besides...

I've gone through the checklists.
I've read the tips.
I've listened to others about what I'm doing wrong and have tried to improve it.
I've redone my resume. I'VE LIED and felt so badly about it tossed that resume out the window!

I've only had two interviews in TWO YEARS. And I was positive and as confident as I could possibly be. One good thing about me, is that I'm good at hiding my emotions. I'm a mess on here. It's my outlet. A way to scream into the void and let it out.

When will I learn...

When will I learn that keeping my mouth shut and my opinions to myself leads to less hurt?

I'm always wrong.

My opinions are always opposing.

I guess I need to learn to think like the rest of the world or shut up.

And since I don't want to think like the rest of the world I'm just gonna have to shut up.

Oh and never help anyone either. Because when I do it's always wrong. Always.

I'm tired. Just so tired of always being the underdog. ALWAYS. 


At the same time I wrote this... I did an anonymous confession about seriously just being over living. And I am. I expressly said I was not committing suicide. It's more of a ... tiredness. I need a change of mind again. Anyway, no one bothered to read the "I am not ending my life" part. Really? Can't people just READ before flying off the handle???? I'm sad, frustrated and just wanting to hit someone. And I'm TIRED of feeling this way. But I even I know death isn't the answer. 


My mood: extremely sad

I think I want to but then again...

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TIred

I'm tired of feeling like a failure. It seems that no matter what I do, I always fall short. I'm so sad right now I feel like curling up into a ball and sobbing. But I have to be somewhere in 2 hours. I don't feel like leaving the house. This thing I have to be at in 2 hours... it's something else I'll likely fall short compared to everyone else. I don't wish to do it now. Too bad I can't call up and cancel. Letting people down is worse than humilation I suppose. 

If I were a smart person I'd give up doing the things I am interested in and just apply for a job at the local supermarket. It's not like the things I am interested in are bringing me happiness... only pain, rejection and the sense of failure. Working somewhere I hate shouldn't be any worse and probably more financially stable. 

I just wish this sadness would go away. I wish I could do something that someone would say "hey that is great!" But no matter how much I fix something, how much I work on it... it's never more than "okay" or "passable". Meaning my work will never go far. 

Who I Am

I have low self-esteem. The older I get, the worse it gets.  It use to be just about my brains. I was never smart enough etc etc despite having a 3.5gpa. Then it use to be about that and my lack of talents. I didn't do this as well as another person or I wasn't good enough to do this. It wasn't just me thinking these things, I was often told so point blank by peers. Now it's about my intellgience, lack of talents and my looks.  And being the little spunge that I am, all the negative responses soak in and I can't wring them out. And how can I? When there's nothing positive to combat it with.

And I am not fishing for compliments because honeslty, I'm too logical for that. I wouldn't waste my time or yours because I'm not going to believe you. I never understood why people fish for compliments? Don't they know the answers won't be sincere? Because they aren't. People then feel obligated to tell you what you wish to hear instead of the truth. Or they'll give you the truth and I'm too afraid of the truth to ask. I know the truth. I look in the mirror every morning.

I'm also shy. I know the self-esteem is a negative and I accept that but one of my biggest pet peeves is lumping shyness in with the negativite personality traits. Some people are shy. Why is that a crime? I don't feel it should be. If everyone was extroverted this world would be out of control. I'm okay with my shyness. It is who I am and I embrace that. I haven't completely let it cripple me. I use to be painfully shy until I forced myself to overcome some of it. I do a lot of community theatre. It's a pretty good therapy for shyness. It hasn't completely "cured" me but it has helped me. My shyness doesn't rule my life it is just a part of who I am. So don't tell me to stop being shy. If someone is going to be interested in me then they'll have to be interested in someone who is shy. 

Another one of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to either guess what I am thinking or act like they know what I am thinking. And it is never anywhere close to the truth. I hate it when people put words into my mouth. I don't say much so they think it is funny to speak for me or tell others what I am thinking... and of course it is never something positive but something degrading. It's not funny. I hate it. Do you do it to people? It's not funny to the person you're humiliating. But I guess that is what makes it cool? Sometimes I really hate people. 

I also go through periods of depression. I think it comes with the older I get and the more alone I feel. And goodness do I feel alone. Sometimes. Most of the time I'm OK by myself. I just don't make friends easily. It's the whole shyness thing. No one wants to hang out with someone who is shy. We're apparently no fun (because no one takes the time to get to know us shy people...seeing we're such a negative personality trait...). So I spend all my free time with my parents. Which is mostly okay until I get to thinking about not having anyone my age to converse with. Well, no one my age that lives close by. All I have are internet friends and most of the time they are fulfilling. But it sure helps to have a good friend close by.

Some things I love: reading, writing and creating things. I love my cats and Iove being at the beach. I love being by myself but there are times I crave the company of others. 

I think that about covers it. 



 




1-4 of 4 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Trapped, posted February 23rd, 2014
My job is looking for a job., posted January 7th, 2013
When will I learn..., posted October 1st, 2012
I think I want to but then again..., posted December 10th, 2011, 2 comments
TIred, posted June 25th, 2011
Who I Am, posted June 22nd, 2011

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